Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I smell like Dick and happiness
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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