Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
