That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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