I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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