I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
