i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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