Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
