It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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