Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
