I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Pappa wants mamma naked
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
