My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
