all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
