when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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