woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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