there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
