On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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