The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
