you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
