to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
