I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
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