dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
