I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
