My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
