Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
