How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
