My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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