My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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