I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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