highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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