dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
