i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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