mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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