I think I died a long time ago.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
