For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
