i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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