I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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