i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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