Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
as a side note pls kill me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
