is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
