I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
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People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay