It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish i was in the wii world.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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