hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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