Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
