We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
