My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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