We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
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If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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