If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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