All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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