The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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