All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special