we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good