i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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