Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
