she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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