i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
