It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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