had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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