About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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