if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
