did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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