I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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